Exdeath Tosses Bagels into the Void
by Comix at the Opera
Summary: When Exdeath eats a soggy bagel, he hurls it and other breakfasts into the Void. This explosion of fury has dramatic and increasingly bizarre effects on the rest of the cast. Rated T for language and violence, mostly toward food.
1. He doesn't love it

Exdeath Tosses Bagels into the Void

It was a day like any other in the Shrine of Chaos: the Emperor was plotting, Kuja performed soliloquies for the others, Kefka made things blow up, and Ultimecia was plotting the systematic downfall of several political leaders. Almost everyone was there, having a grand old time; everyone except for Garland, who was busy getting everyone's breakfast. It _was_ his turn, after all. Unfortunately for the others, he was late.

"Where is that ingrate?" said the Cloud of Darkness, "Our favorite place isn't far from here." She had a point; only the fanciest of cafés can be placed near the lair of world destroying villains.

"I just hope my coffee isn't cold," chimed in Sephiroth. He was currently the least prepared of the group, still dressed in his pajamas and fuzzy behemoth slippers. No one liked being kicked when he wore those slippers.

Suddenly, the armored man burst through one of the walls, panting vigorously. "Comrades!" started Garland, "I have grea…" He was cut short by the vile, soul-piercing, and generally unpleasant stares from the others. "Did I do something wrong?"

"**YES!**" bellowed Emperor Mateus. The very voice of the effeminate ruler sent a shiver down Garland's spine. "You better have _one. Good. Reason. Why. You. Weren't. __**Here**__._"

"Worry not, fiends!" said Garland, confidence slowly regenerating, "Our usual place is closed for the winter, but I have found a _better_ restaurant!" He then produced several small, red cartons with a yellow "M" logo on the top.

"McDonald's?" asked Golbez, "Tell me, Garland, do you _know_ who eats at McDonald's?"

The rebel knight scratched his helmet in confusion. "Er, no. Who?" Then the answer dawned on him. "Oh, _Cos_mos's warriors…" The disgust in his voice was as clear as the crystals their foes were currently looking for.

"Is that coffee black?" asked Sephiroth, who honestly didn't care where his food comes from.

"Nope," said Garland, checking the side of the small cup.

"**Gimme that shit**," blurted Sephiroth. Garland, noticing the behemoth slippers, quickly handed the steamy brew to the One-Winged, Drowsy Angel.

Seeing as how the balance of the war was broken in their favor just a few days earlier, Chaos's minions had very high morale. Surely, just _one_ common meal wouldn't ruin it at all, right? Oh, but how _wrong_ this assumption will be.

* * *

Once everyone had their meals, Kefka, Exdeath, and the Cloud of Darkness sat on the roof, eating their meals, and enjoying the voidset. Main-Body of the Cloud was eating a salad (all the better to keep her form sleek), while her two tentacles, Hearsie and Seesie, were each enjoying a Happy Meal. Kefka was eating… _some_ sort of ice cream covered in ketchup, and Exdeath was about to eat the one source of his joy outside of the Void: bagels. Oh, how Exdeath _loved_ bagels; were the world made out of one single, giant bagel, he'd easily be on the side of Cosmos, fighting for justice, love, and _bagels_. He savored the sweet, tender moments before cramming the delicacy in his visor, just to make the taste sweeter.

"Oh _wow_," said Kefka, "Look at _that_ loon." Main-Body shot him a glare that screamed "hypocrite" at him. Kefka, ignoring her glance, continued with his observations. "It's like one of those instant replays you see on television!"

But none of that mattered to Exdeath; in fact, he almost laughed alongside the magical psychopath. All that mattered now was the sweet, _warm_ bagel…

"Wait," said the tree mage, "This isn't right…" The bagel was… _soggy._ "_**WhaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAT!?**_" he cried in his uncontrollable rage.

"Sweeties, _don't look_!" cried Main-Body, calling in her two loyal tentacles. Kefka tried hard not to laugh, so as not to anger the great mage. But it was so hard. _So. __**Hard…**_

"_**You deserve no mercy!**_" yelled Exdeath to the bagel. With one final scream of hatred, he threw the soggy treat into the Void.

Kefka couldn't keep it in any longer. "_**Waahohohohoho!**_" Exdeath turned his gaze toward the clown, and in that moment, Kefka _knew_ he was in deep shit. Luckily, the demon-tree's violence was directed toward the sugary monstrosity that the court mage was snacking upon just moments ago. It was tossed into the Void. The salad and two Happy Meals followed shortly.

* * *

And so Exdeath continued this brand of violence, until every last villain was depraved of their breakfast. Nothing was able to stop him. Once the last crumb had been devoured by the Void, he stormed off toward his castle.

"Well, Garland," started the Emperor, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"At least everyone else enjoyed breakfast." The man had a point. A good one at that. A short mumble of agreement came from everyone's throats, and they all returned to their endeavors. But this incident wasn't without its drawbacks, as they would soon find out…

* * *

**Author's Notes**: Hey, I hope you enjoyed this first chapter. Please give your reviews, all comments are welcome!


	2. The Fall of Bageltown

The Fall of Bageltown

It was a perfect day. All of the bagel-people were celebrating life, love, friendship, and just about everything nice. They all gathered around the town square in Bageltown, where their esteemed mayor was frolicking about. His chortle, while silly, perfectly described the overall mood of the citizens.

"Why hello there, young fellow!" shouted Mayor Exdeath to a child, "How are you this fine afternoon?"

"I feel _great_!" exclaimed the bagel-child. As he ran off toward his friends, Exdeath felt a shiver of doubt run down his spine. Something was _off_, but he couldn't put his finger on it.

"Is something wrong, sir?" asked a concerned citizen. Exdeath quickly snapped out of his less than pleasant thoughts.

"Why there is absolutely nothing wrong!" he said. "Come now, let us sing!"

And with that, Exdeath and the bagel-people marched over to the First Church of the Void. The town lookout seemed to be more than eager to join in, to the point of suspicion. Mayor Exdeath quickly drew him from the crowd to speak to him in private.

"Now, now!" started Exdeath, "We'll be singing again later when you're off the afternoon shift! I appreciate your enthusiasm…"

"But sir!" interrupted the lookout, "A large army is heading toward the town gates!"

Exdeath became silent, and turned away from the bagel-person. _How can this be?_ he thought to himself, _no one would want to hurt innocent bagels! That's preposterous!_ Turning back toward the lookout, Exdeath offered a possible explanation for the appearance of the army.

"It's probably just our friends, the Kingdom of Bacon!" he said, "They must have wanted to join in on the fun!"

Just after he finished, there was a loud crash at the town gate. All of Bageltown fell silent. Exdeath ordered the lookout to gather the town militia, as he dashed off toward his house to collect his trusty bayonet. _Better safe than sorry_, he thought.

* * *

It was late afternoon, and the militia of Bageltown was gathered in front of the town gate, weapons at the ready. At the front of the force was Exdeath, who was worried sick. The town had never seen a dangerous situation since it was founded. Would this ragtag group of soldiers be enough to protect the town? There was only one way to find out…

"Release the lock!" commanded Exdeath. Three of the younger soldiers took up this task, struggling against the heavy wooden mechanism. Once unlocked, the door slowly opened downward, preventing the army from being seen. There was a definite feeling of doubt in the air, but Exdeath tried with all of his might to ignore it.

Once the door was half open, a voice speaking in an inhuman tongue cried out. Exdeath shivered at the voice; it sounded as if the speaker were trying to talk underwater. Mayor Exdeath commanded the fighting force of Bageltown to prepare their arms.

As the door's movement slowed down to a complete halt, the enemy could be seen clearly. They were amorphous blobs of water, with beady black eyes floating about inside. The water creatures were somehow holding spears, swords, guns, and other fiendish devises. Cruel malice could be seen in their unearthly eyes.

There was a long moment of inaction between the two armies, with the air becoming increasingly intense around them. A shot fired; with this, the soldiers of both sides charged at each other. The fight was intense and frightful; Exdeath couldn't see the battle unfold clearly, causing him to panic. A water blob jumped at him, its spear aimed at him. Exdeath, through either fierce determination or blind luck, stabbed the blob before it could do any harm. _**POP!**_ The foe exploded in a burst of cool mist.

The large amount of exploding water monsters did not encourage Exdeath; it was a sign that the army was too large to be managed by the militia. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see a blob touching an empty bagel-house, causing it to become soggy. It collapsed under the pressure of gravity, crushing two bagel-people and three water blobs. Exdeath stared at the spectacle in horror; even more horrifying was the survival of the water blobs, which oozed out from underneath the damp rubble.

Behind him, a cannonball hit the ground, knocking Exdeath to the ground. As he got up, he noticed that his hands were warm and wet. He slowly brought them up to his face; they were covered in the butter of the innocent bagel-people. He clenched his hands into fists, and observed the carnage that lay before him. All of Bageltown was in ruin; there were dead bodies and destroyed houses as far as the eye can see.

Exdeath slumped down on his knees, and looked up toward the sky. With the last energy in his body, he shouted at the heavens. "_**NOOOOOOOOOOO!**_"

* * *

Exdeath's eyes popped open; all he could see was his plain, white ceiling. _It was all just a dream_, he thought to himself, _a horrible one, but a dream nevertheless_. He shifted onto his side and tried to get some more sleep. He couldn't.

* * *

"And how does that make you _feel_?" asked the psychiatrist. Exdeath was lying upon a nice, comfy sofa, explaining his dream to the doctor. _I can't shake the feeling that there's something fishy about this guy_, Exdeath thought. It turns out that he was right, for the psychiatrist was a strange, purple octopus with goofy teeth. He was, at the moment, wearing a fake mustache. On the wall was a fake PhD, haphazardly scribbled in crayon, which had the name "Docktur Ultros" in large letters on it. "Is something the matter, Mr. Eath?"

"Wha-?" said Exdeath, snapping out of his thoughts, "Oh, uh… the dream made me feel angry. And stuff."

"Hmm, I see," replied "Docktur" Ultros, writing down something that seemed to be important. In actuality, he was drawing a picture of a cat winning a go-kart race. "Well, here's what I suggest you do: find the person who made the soggy bagel _and __**kill**__ them_."

Exdeath leaped onto his feet. "That's _it_! Thanks, doctor!"

Once he left, Ultros took off his mustache, giggling madly. "Heeheehee! Nothing splits my sides more than a hit man sending some poor sucker to do his dirty work! Especially if that hit man is me, and that sucker is Exdeath!"

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Poor Exdeath. Having emotionally scarring dreams are bad enough, but being manipulated by some dweeb is even worse! As always, send in your reviews!


	3. One Winged Buddy

**One Winged Buddy**

McDonald's. Just the name of this stronghold of grease and fat sent shivers down Exdeath's spine. He turned toward his interns, signaling them to start playing his theme song with the instruments they carried. Once they had started up a lovely tempo, Exdeath started to walk toward the yellow and red building. Each step was slow; Exdeath wanted to enjoy this moment of revelation, much to the distress of his interns. Inch by inch, his feet fell upon the sidewalk's concrete. Beneath his helm, a wicked smile was drawn upon his face, picturing each beautiful moment of mayhem he will cause.

_I will get my vengeance upon this low quality restaurant, _thought Exdeath, _and it will be so sweet…_

* * *

"I was having a long dream," said Chaos, "In the midst of disorder…" Garland rolled his eyes. In each cycle of the eternal war between the gods, he had to listen to this same exact comedy routine, feeding his hatred of the God of Discord.

Garland kneeled down in front of the God's throne, sighing. "So, you are awake. What kind of dream was it?" he asked.

Chaos leaned on his upper right arm. "It was ridiculous," he said, "Sephiroth's attitude changed because of a high intake of caffeine."

The knight was clearly surprised at this outlandish dream, which was a far cry from what he was used to. "That's-"

"Laughable, is it not?" asked Chaos. "In that world, Sephiroth wanted to be friends with his opposing vessel." He folded his hands together. "But strangely, the images are still vivid in my eyes…" Garland trembled beneath his armor, wishing for the days when Chaos had constant dreams about him and Cosmos. "All the people… _smiling_. The warmth of the friendship he had with Cloud." Chaos shook his head lightly. "For one who has lost all memory…"

Garland interrupted Chaos's train of thought. "Chaos," he said, "if this is true, there is something I must share with you. This conflict, which has endlessly repeated itself, will soon come to an end. I am the one who had brought forth the designs of its demise." Chaos showed immense interest. "We were all hungry, so I went to McDonald's and accidentally got Exdeath an unsatisfactory bagel."

Chaos frowned. "It was just as I thought," he said, "You were the-"

"Alright, that is _it_!" shouted Garland, rising onto his feet, "For _two thousand years_, I had to deal with your mental instability!"

Chaos twiddled his fingers, deep in thought. "Then I shall…"

Garland shook his finger at Chaos. "No, _no no no_! If you are going to do this, I'll have to put you in the meat locker again! You know how cold it is in there, you stupid-"

"But," said Chaos, "I… _love_ meat." Garland slapped his face in disappointment.

* * *

"Good to see you… _Cloud_," Sephiroth said as he descended from the night sky. Upon his face was a goofy, good natured grin. Cloud did not share the same sentiments, opting instead to shout out Sephiroth's name angrily. "Now, now… _Cloud_," said Sephiroth, shaking his head, "is that any way to treat your best Buddyroth?"

Cloud, who was prepared to shout his foe's name in anger again, was startled by this nickname. "Buddyroth?" he asked incredulously.

"That's right… _Cloud_," Sephiroth said, still grinning, "As of this moment, I am going to be your bestest best buddy. And to show you that I'm honest…" Sephiroth reached into his pocket, and pulled out a red rose.

Cloud gasped. "It's… Firion's wild rose!" He pulled out his buster sword, ready to do battle with his nemesis.

"Yes… _Cloud_," Sephiroth said, "Firion gave it to me after I told him about how I wanted to be friends with you."

Cloud held up his sword to Sephiroth's neck. "I want photographic evidence!" He shouted.

Firion walked in behind Sephiroth. "He's telling the truth, Cloud," he said, "After seeing that innocent grin, how could I not let him have it?"

Cloud charged at Sephiroth. "_That was Photoshopped!_" he shouted. Responding to this threat, Sephiroth slashed faster than the speed of light, knocking the sword out of Cloud's hands.

"Calm down… _Cloud_," Sephiroth said, "I only want to be bestest best buddies with you, is that too hard for you?"

"_YES IT __**IS**__!_" After saying this, Cloud ran off.

Burning tears streamed down Sephiroth's face. "Thanks for your help… _Firion_."

"You know," said Firion, "I don't think he would have been so harsh if you didn't do that annoying thing."

* * *

One hour after he started his march, Exdeath reached the doors of the McDonald's. He turned toward his interns, who had stopped playing his theme out of pure exhaustion. "Oh, come _on_, guys!" he said, "I promise, I won't take that long once we're in!" The interns glared at him, ready to kill. "Okay, fine! Just know that none of you will get anywhere in life, you _good-for-nothings_!"

As he opened the doors, he could have sworn he heard one of them say "Let's go to Hooters!"


End file.
